How To Combat Insecurity - A Guide For Men

Defining Insecurity

One of the most common topics we get asked to talk about is “insecurity.” This is an issue we all deal with. We all ask ourselves this question: “Am I enough?” 

Do I have what it takes to be a man, provide for my family, succeed at my job, raise my children, etc.?

Insecurity hits when our answer to that question is “No, I'm not enough. I don’t have what it takes.” 

We all know, in our heads at least, what God says is true about us. He says that I’m a man of God. He says I’m a provider. He says that I’m forgiven. He says that I’m strong. He says all sorts of great things about us.

But even knowing that, we still answer “no” to the question of “Am I enough?” all the time. Ultimately, insecurity is when I am disagreeing with what God says is really true about me. We let culture and other people define what we are supposed to be as men, and when we don’t measure up to those standards – big salary, big house, big muscles – that’s when insecurity hits. 

Flip the Order

In order to overcome the insecurity that comes from letting society, culture, and other people define our value, we have to change where we look first to find what is actually true.

Typically, as men, we first look to our own heart. We let however we are feeling define us. I feel like a piece of crap. I feel like I’m the best in the world! I feel like I don’t want to be married anymore. The problem with that is that our heart is very unreliable. It has been wounded, broken, and has the tendency to change the way it feels every single day.

Next, we look outward to how other people define us. My boss hates me. My dad said I was a failure. My wife thinks I’m useless. That must be true. OR, This group of people really likes me and affirms me, so I’m going to do what they want so I can keep getting validation and feel like I am enough.

The last thing we do is look to God. After we have already made up our mind about who we are and what we are going to do, we look to Him and ask Him to get on board with that.

In order to begin to agree with who God says we are, and therefore overcome insecurity, we have to flip the order.

First, what does God say about me? Not what my dad said, or my ex-wife, or the guys on the team. Not the person who molested or abused me when I was younger. What does God say? We’ll get to how to do that in a bit.

We can then look out to the world and what it is throwing at us. We can look at our marriage, our job, our relationships, and the messages we are getting from those, and they are saying all different things.

Then we look inside, already knowing what God says is true about us. Knowing that, how am I going to engage with what is going on around me? What am I going to believe about myself despite the messages I am receiving from the people around me?

Seeking God First

This entire concept of overcoming insecurity hinges on not just knowing what God says is true about us, but believing it. But that takes intentional time.

We tend to follow the first order because we usually let what we feel and what others think about us become a much louder voice in our lives (i.e., the tyranny of the urgent). God can feel so far away because we haven’t carved out the time to stay close with him. We have to take a timeout, be quiet for a while, and create the space to reconnect with God. And once we do that, and make it a habit in our lives (even in the midst of our extremely busy schedules and family obligations), we begin to believe the things He says about us. Then we can be better, more confident versions of ourselves in our daily lives.

Jesus’ ministry lasted just three years, but He still found the time to carve out of his busy schedule to reconnect with God. We know of one of these breaks that lasted over a month (Matthew 4:1-17). However, some scholars think that whenever the bible says He went off to a quiet or desolate place, he was actually taking more of these month-long (or more) sabbaticals to reconnect and refuel with His father so that he would be able to give the best version of himself when he reengaged.

When we take the time to really believe what God says about us, we gain an assurance and confidence in ourselves that we did not have before. We will find that when we receive insults, or negative messages, or feel like a failure, they aren’t as loud anymore because we have a secured identity that comes from a much more solid source.

Facing Insecurity in the Moment

There will never be a time, however, even if you have been listening to God regularly, when you will never be triggered by insecurity ever again. We are human and these messages seem to find their way into our heads constantly. It’s how we have prepared for that moment that helps us in overcoming it. We know that God holds the truth of who and what we are, but here are a couple more practical steps and guardrails to place in your life to prepare for these moments.

• Understand that when someone is insulting you, or treating you in a way that brings up negative messages about yourself, that is usually mostly about them. They have insecurities and baggage in their own lives that may be causing them to do that. Remembering that the triggering situation actually has very little to do with you and who you are helps keep your insecurity at bay.

• Find trusted people who can point out when you are living out of your insecurity, and remind you what God says about you. God uses other people all the time to be His voice, so don’t isolate yourself into thinking you have to do all of this alone.

Conclusion

Insecurity attacks all men. You are not alone in that. But there is only one person who gets to actually define who you are, and that is God. And what he says about you is settled–it is not up for debate. You don’t have to go into each day wondering who you are and whether you have what it takes. But you do have to take the intentional time to let what God says about you really become part of your foundational beliefs. And once you’ve done that, and you finally believe that God, who created the universe, is for YOU, what could possibly stand against you?

TL;DR

• Insecurity is when we disagree with what God says is true about us.

• We have to set regular time aside to reconnect with God and begin to believe what he says about us.

• Jesus only had 3 years to save the world and he still took extended periods of time away to reconnect with God and solidify His purpose. So you can too.

• Understand that when people are sending you negative messages, intentionally or unintentionally, it is more about them than it is about you.

• Find trusted people who can point out when you are living out of insecurity and remind you of who you really are.

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